Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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