I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
