I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
