It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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