Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
