allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!