I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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