Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
