my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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