Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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