the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
