You smell like stripper and shame
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
