oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
