god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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