I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
