I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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