i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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