Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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