i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
