Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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