god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
