i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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