It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
