i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
