They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
