is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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