You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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