I think my fart just growled at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
