she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
