I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
