I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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