I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
