I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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