i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
