Kiss
Puke
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
