i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Boobs are out for the taking
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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