3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
