She's JV to your varsity
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
