You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
