he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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