We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
