yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
