Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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