are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You pole danced in your parka.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can't put those talents on a resume
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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