I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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