theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
