You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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