So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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