Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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