it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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