Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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