all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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