dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
