So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
