I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
