i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
