my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
