I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
