So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
